


Autumn Hearts

by annachibi



Series: Autumn Hearts Universe [1]
Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Angst with a Happy Ending, Conversations with Gratuitous Metaphors, Costume Parties & Masquerades, Crying Lord Melbourne, Dancing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fireworks, Mutual Pining, Mutual Respect and Admiration, Older Man/Younger Woman, School Festivals, Slow Burn, Vicbourne, alcohol use, because that is a Thing historically, not-dates, nothing inappropriate tho - Lord M would never have that!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 12:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8713597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annachibi/pseuds/annachibi
Summary: Vicbourne modern university AU where Lord M is an Ecology professor and Victoria is a final year student.“Sometimes I wonder if it’s not better to let things go so that you can move on, rather than clinging to them until they’re torn from you.”“What about things you don’t have to let go of?”





	1. Public Opinion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set in England and uses British terms, but I've used American spelling since I'm from the US. Hopefully that won't be jarring for readers. Special thanks to sobriquett for checking my word usage!  
> Suggested mood music for chapter 1: "Bloom" by The Paper Kites

    Usually, Professor William Lamb didn’t teach students in their last year of university if they weren’t going for a major related to his field. It seemed, however, that one Alexandrina Windsor was an exception to the rule in that she chose one of his courses for an elective. There was no real indication from the rest of her studies that she was particularly interested in Ecology, her major instead being Political Science. The matter intrigued him, especially because she was the niece of the university’s Dean of the Faculty and so he knew a little about her by reputation and overheard gossip. Still, he preferred to go into his classes with no preconceptions about his students, no matter whose children they might be.

    She came in, not so much _late_ as frazzled and wind-swept, as if she had been running late previously but had managed to be on time for this specifically. In any case, she settled into her seat quickly, close to the front row. As class began, he actually forgot about her being there, for a time, getting caught up in the flow of teaching as he always did. Occasionally, his comments or turns of phrase would elicit a bubble of soft laughter from his audience, which encouraged him to continue speaking in an excited and animated manner. Ecology, particularly with respect to wildlife, was his life’s passion, after all. It was perhaps a rare quality in a professor, that ability to spark interest in students who otherwise had no inclination to view the subject as worthy of it. As such, he was not expecting the young woman’s hand to shoot up suddenly in the middle of his lecture. He faltered in the middle of his sentence.

    “Er, yes, Miss Windsor?”

    “Victoria,” she corrected him. “Forgive me for interrupting, but I couldn’t help noticing that you didn’t mention hemp in your list of resources that make paper.”

    He cocked his head slightly, more amused than irritated at her comment. “Well, it was not meant to be an exhaustive list, but you are correct that industrial hemp could well be part of it. However, it is not considered a major resource.”

    “But do you believe that it could be, given time?”

    He chuckled, understanding now what kind of slant she would be taking on his lectures. “I am not really the best person to ask that question, considering my research is not concerned with hemp. The first obstacle in the prevalence of industrial hemp farming would likely be public opinion, and as you may know, public opinion is not known for its logic. In any case, this is off-topic. Please see me after class if you wish to discuss this further, Victoria.”

    She smiled and settled back in her chair, seeming satisfied with his answer. He didn’t quite understand what he’d said that satisfied her, but just the fact that he had made him feel a bit pleased. She did not raise her hand again for the remainder of the class.

 

    “Professor?”

    He turned to face her as she came up to his desk, going against the grain of the other students moving in the other direction as they left class. She was smiling with an excited, youthful gleam in her bright blue eyes as she tucked a wisp of brown hair behind one ear. He couldn’t help but smile back, laugh lines crinkling at the corners of his own green eyes. He leaned back against his desk a bit, hands casually holding onto the edge.

    “You’re not trying to get me to endorse marijuana or something, are you?” he joked.

    She laughed, a sweet sound. “No, and from your answer earlier, I think you already know I’m not. Industrial hemp can’t be smoked. Not for any effect, anyway.”

    “You are correct. So what exactly was the purpose of your interjection during class? Trying to raise awareness?”

    “No. Well, yes, but no. I wanted to test you a bit, I suppose,” she said with a smirk. “Everyone says you’re so friendly and honest, but I’d never heard of an instance where someone asked you about a controversial topic. So my interruption had a two-fold purpose: to find out how up-to-date you are on said topic, and to find out whether or not you would even engage with it in the first place.”

    He laughed, delighted at her boldness. “And how well did I do in your estimation?”

    “Passed with flying colors, of course.”

    “Allow me to ask you a question then: why are you taking this course?”

    At that, she hesitated. Her cheeks seemed to turn a bit pink, but he brushed it off as a trick of the light, as it was late afternoon now. “My mother doesn’t really approve of my interest in environmentally-friendly legislature. She thinks it makes me sound like one of those American hippies or something. But you don’t think so, do you?”

    The question was asked with such sincere feeling that he was a little taken aback by it for a moment. The world seemed to go a bit still as they looked at each other. “I think you sound like you have opinions formed by solid research, miss.”

    “Victoria,” she corrected him again.

    “Victoria,” he repeated, smiling a little to lighten the suddenly serious mood. “I-I’ll just write that down in my gradebook then.” He tore his gaze away from her and went around his desk to grab a pen and jot down her name next to where it was printed in his book, crossing out the bit that said ‘Alexandrina.’ When he looked up again, she was heading back to her seat to grab her bag, and he felt a slight pang of disappointment.

    She turned, slinging her bag over her shoulder and smiling at him. “Thank you, Professor. I have to be going now, but I look forward to speaking with you again.”

    He raised his hand in a little wave. “Any time, Victoria.”

    He watched her as she walked to the door and left without a backward glance.

 

*****

 

    A peal of girlish laughter cut through the humid air of the swim center, causing Victoria to cast her friends a sharp glance as she paddled in the pool, treading water. “It has nothing to do with his looks! I just want to know more about him,” she insisted with an angry huff as punctuation. They were always teasing her about her relationships with men, whether they were romantic in nature or not. They seemed to be of the opinion that men and women could not be just friends under any circumstances, which she knew to be untrue. She rarely wanted to gossip about things like crushes on boys. Sometimes she wished she knew someone who understood her better than the people with which she usually had to socialize.

    “But you don’t deny he’s handsome,” one of them said with a smirk. “He looks like he’s chiselled out of marble or something! And that curly hair… salt-and-pepper looks good on him.”

    Another giggled. “A real silver fox!”

    A third shook her head, though she was laughing too. “You all need to stop chasing after older men. It’s creepy.”

    “Is not!”

    “Is too!”

    Victoria splashed them all, which caused an eruption of tiny squeals. “Will you please control yourselves! You’re acting like giddy little schoolgirls!”

    “We are!” one of them said, laughing, but was promptly elbowed in the ribs by the one sitting next to her on the edge of the pool.

    “His wife left him for another man, you know,” said another girl, her voice conspiratorially quiet. “She just up and left the country with some guy for a year, never even got divorced.”

    Victoria’s hands flew to her mouth. “What? That’s terrible! Why would she do such a thing?”

    “Maybe he was terrible in the sack.”

    “Even so…”

    “But he’s not married now, is he?”

    “No, she died some years ago, after he took her back.”

    Victoria was horrified and saddened by their words. “How did you all hear about this?”

    “It’s one of the most scandalous tales this university has! The question is, how did you not hear about it until now? Staying closed up in the library or something?”

    She frowned, sinking down in the water a little. “I just don’t pay attention to that kind of thing, I guess.”

 

    Sunlight filtered through the trees on the campus grounds where Victoria and some friends sat on a picnic blanket on the grass, having lunch. It was an unseasonably warm day so they had decided an outdoors meal would be fun. The others were chatting away excitedly about one thing or another, and the young student giggled occasionally when she heard something that amused her. But like usual, the conversation just didn’t catch her interest the way it did everyone else, so she ended up laying back and staring up at the clouds as she ate slowly. Spots of shadow and light dappled her face, cast by the sun and the leaves above, sometimes causing her to close her eyes against the brightness for a moment. It was after one of these moments that she opened her eyes to an unexpected sight.

    “Hello, there,” said Professor Lamb with a chuckle, the rays of the sun above him seeming to cast a glowing halo about his head. “Are you alright?”

    Victoria abruptly sat up, her cheeks heating with embarrassment. “I-I’m fine, I was just...” Her voice trailed off as she looked around, realizing that her friends had left already. She made a mental note to complain to them later for not making sure to get her attention before leaving her behind. How long had she been lying there by herself? The professor must have thought her so strange!

    “Enjoying the weather?” he supplied helpfully. “Well if you’re alright, then would you mind some company? I couldn’t help but notice you have a blanket down already, so…”

    She smiled, both relieved that he didn’t find her behavior odd and delighted that he wanted to join her. “Yes! I mean, no, I wouldn’t mind. I still have a little lunch to finish. I must have lost track of time.”

    He sat down a couple feet from her, moving to his knees first before getting more comfortable, settling with a plastic container of food in his lap. The wind ruffled his dark hair, bits of silver in it catching glints of sunlight. She thought he looked quite dapper in his dress shirt and blazer with a little bow-tie. She smoothed a hand down her own yellow sundress before picking up the other half of the sandwich she’d been eating.

    “Do you usually eat lunch outside?” she asked. “I haven’t noticed you out here before.”

    He smirked, teasing, “If you often preoccupy yourself as you did earlier, there may be much that escapes your notice. But no, not usually, at least not in this area. My favorite spot is the courtyard of Melbourne Hall. It’s a bit plain, since it’s one of the oldest buildings, but I like it because it’s quiet. So do the rooks, apparently.”

    She looked at him curiously, a bite of sandwich stuffed into one cheek as she spoke. “The rooks?”

    “Yes, they’re like crows or ravens, but slightly different. Little bit of white around their beaks, you see. They’re very social animals, very intelligent. Unfortunately, most people see them simply as common pests.”

    “People think the same thing of rats, but they’re very intelligent, too,” she pointed out, finishing up her sandwich and crumpling up the bag it came in.

    His raised brows betrayed his surprise at her statement. “You like rats?”

    She laughed, realizing what an uncommon view it was. “I think they’re cute. And they’re nicer than mice. Mice will bite you at the slightest provocation, but a healthy rat won’t--unless you deserve it.”

    Now it was his turn to laugh. “You seem to know a lot about them. The scaly tails don’t put you off at all?”

    “There’s nothing wrong with a scaly tail. Maybe it doesn’t look or feel as nice as a furry one, but that’s only superficial. Things like intelligence and temperament matter much more to me.”

    “Does that apply to people, as well?” he asked, chewing on a piece of carrot.

    “Of course,” she said matter-of-factly, meeting his eyes. For a moment, she found herself wondering at their color. She had supposed they were green, but in the clear afternoon light she could see that a ring of golden-brown surrounded his pupils. However, she was uncertain what the main color of his irises were. Perhaps hazel was a better description.

    He wiped at his chin suddenly, a hint of confusion in his expression. “Is there something on my face?”

    She blushed. “Oh, no! I was just thinking…”

    “Ah, I see you’ve finished your lunch,” he said, beginning to stand up. “I won’t keep you any longer, then. I’ll see you in class.”

    A pang of disappointment at his announcement surprised her. He was good company, better than most of her friends, even. She didn’t want him to leave, but there wasn’t any good reason to detain him, so she got up as well and began folding up the picnic blanket. “See you then, Professor!”

    He smiled and bowed with a flourish of the hand, chuckling at the slightly archaic gesture before turning and walking away, what was left of his lunch in one hand and his other in his pocket. She watched him walk a few yards before blushing at her own behavior, tucking the blanket under her arm and tossing her trash in a sidewalk bin as she headed in the opposite direction to the car park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read bits of this before publication and/or encouraged me to keep writing! I probably would have run out of steam if not for all of you! Also, thank you to Daisy Goodwin for writing such an angsty romance, to Jenna Coleman and Rufus Sewell for portraying Victoria and Lord M so beautifully, and to Rufus specifically for drawing me into this fandom and inadvertently getting me back into writing on my own.


	2. You're Not So Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood music: "Collide" by Howie Day

    Days turned to weeks while Professor Lamb and Victoria’s friendship grew. She stayed after class sometimes for more in-depth discussions on topics she liked, asking questions about things that wouldn’t possibly be on the tests. Nevertheless, he indulged her curiosity, delighted to have a student who seemed to be almost as interested in the field as he was. Occasionally, he would be unable to answer something, and he would look it up on his laptop. That sometimes led to her pulling up a chair next to him at his desk and reaching over to type in something to show him a video or a funny picture that she’d seen on the internet, and they would become completely distracted as they wasted an hour or two laughing at silly things.

    On clear days when she had time, Victoria would visit him in the Melbourne Hall courtyard for lunch. Their conversations at such times were slightly more personal, as his quiet, attentive manner and the somewhat secluded setting made her feel more at ease to talk about herself. She spoke of her plans and dreams, how she wanted to be a force for change in the world, but that her mother was not completely supportive of the causes about which she was passionate. She wanted her to do something that would make her successful in the eyes of their upper-class peers, to whom money and prestige was the most important factor. But Victoria saw wealth as a means to an end, not an end in itself, and did not want to keep it all to herself. Professor Lamb believed this to be an admirable mindset and encouraged her to surround herself with people who thought the same way and not give up on creating change. Perhaps if she could show her mother what she was capable of doing in her own way, he reasoned, she would be more willing to accept her ideas.

    She took his advice and ran with it, taking on more responsibilities and volunteering more often than she already did, so that he thought surely she would have no time to chat with him anymore, though he was far too proud of her to say so. Yet she made time to see him, telling him excitedly about all the work she was doing, her excitement so infectious that he often found his cheeks hurting from smiling so much. When her grades in his class began to dip, he would remind her to keep grounded and make sure she was attending to her studies, first and foremost. When an event or petition fell flat, he was there to reassure her that it was not all in vain, for she had worked hard and gained valuable experience.

    He became someone she could rely on when everyone else was busy, and she became someone who made him believe that good could still triumph in the world.

 

    When the annual Autumn Festival came around, it was still fairly warm. Victoria organized a small part of it, overseeing a dunking booth where students would be able to send their teachers into the water if their aim was good enough. It was a simple concept, tried and true, so she knew she could get at least a little funding for the charity she was sponsoring. She also had fliers to raise awareness about the local animal shelters and the merits of pet adoption. Professor Lamb had been so delighted with the idea that he had personally volunteered for two shifts in the dunking booth, though she managed to convince him that only one was necessary.

    It was late afternoon by the time he took his place sitting above the water, dressed in a simple t-shirt and shorts. Victoria had never seen him less than fully covered, so his bare arms, legs, and feet seemed almost obscene in her eyes, yet it was difficult for her to look away for very long. He wasn’t really muscular or particularly athletic-looking, but he was broad-shouldered and long-limbed with a slight tan. Maybe it was the fact that she’d gotten to know him already, but something about the sight of Professor Lamb dripping wet with his clothes clinging to his body, smiling and laughing whenever he got dunked, made her cheeks grow warm. She attempted to hawk her fliers more loudly so that she wouldn’t stare.

    Once the sun began to set over the university grounds, Victoria closed up the booth and helped the professor get out of the tank without slipping on anything, handing him a towel. He shivered a little as the cold breeze touched his damp skin before he dried himself off, though he smiled all the while. “That was so much fun!” he said, practically giggling. She couldn’t help but laugh as well, his excitement infectious.

    “You really enjoyed it? Most everyone else got tired of sitting in wet clothes.”

    “Well, that can get a bit uncomfortable, yes,” he confessed. “I suppose it must be the adrenaline rush of wondering whether or not the ball will hit the target that’s got me in such high spirits. And besides that, your campaign for the animal shelter has been a success, hasn’t it?”

    She beamed proudly. “Yes! We even got some extra donations!”

    “ _You_ , you mean,” he corrected her, grinning. “It all came down to you, my dear.”

    Her chest felt tight suddenly as she looked at him, his expression the picture of awe and pride in her achievement. No one had ever looked at her like that before, like she was something almost magical. It made her feel special; she wanted to crystallize the moment so she could have it with her always. But the spell was broken as Professor Lamb shivered again, her attention brought back to the fact that he was still standing around in soaked clothing.

    “Oh god, you must be freezing! Did you bring a change of clothes or a jumper or something?” she asked, her concern for him overshadowing all else.

    His brows raised in surprise as if he was only just noticing it himself. “Oh! Yes, I did, thank you,” he said, going to grab the duffel bag he’d stashed under the table where she’d been collecting donations. “Er, will you need any help cleaning up?”

    “Nope!” She shook her head, moving around to the back of the tank to pull the plug keeping the water in. She jumped back as it poured out in a rush, giggling. Maybe he was right about the adrenaline thing. When she came back to the front of the booth, she saw that he was struggling to get his wet shirt off over his head and arms, exposing his belly and hip bones above his water-heavy shorts. At his muffled “Help?” she laughed and helped him pull the garment the rest of the way off him, blushing at the sight of his bare chest. But in another minute, he’d covered it again with his jumper and slipped on some shoes.

    He sighed. “Ah, much better. Well if you don’t have anything else to do, would you like to take a walk?”

    She smiled, nodding as she picked up her leftover fliers and the cash box. “Do you mind coming with me to my car first? I just have to put some things in it.”

    “Don’t mind at all,” he replied amicably.

    They walked across the grounds to the car park together, discussing the various events of the day so far, recounting their favorite parts of working at the dunking booth.

*****

    The sun crept below the horizon, casting hues of pink and orange across the car park as a chilly afternoon breeze swept past them. It was a lovely sight to behold, but William Lamb’s eyes were only for the young woman leading him along the pavement. With her soft pink cardigan, matching hair bow, and polka-dotted skirt, she looked a bit like a librarian or a secretary. Glasses would have completed the look, but he much preferred being able to see her pale blue eyes without anything obscuring them. She walked at a brisk pace, a spring in her step as there always seemed to be, and the soft hint of a smile on her face. It continually amazed him how confident she always appeared to be, how capable and strong she was. But she was so young, he worried that she might take on too much or expect too much of herself. At her age, he’d been out having fun and partying, hadn’t he? Certainly he hadn’t hung around with his professors as much as she did. But then, he hadn’t had an uncle holding a position of influence at his university. Perhaps that accounted for the difference.

    She looked up at him and tilted her head curiously, her expression puzzled. “What’s wrong?”

    “Hm?” He shook himself from his thoughts, brows raised.

    “You looked kind of sad or something,” she replied.

    “Oh, no, I was just thinking,” he said with a reassuring smile.

    “What about?”

    “Er…” He paused, hesitant to explain but relieved that they had reached her car, so maybe he wouldn’t have to.

    She handed him a few things so she could get out her keys and unlock the vehicle, bending down to pull the lever for the boot of the car, then going around to put stuff in it. “Well?” she urged gently as she took back what she’d given him, looking at him quizzically for a moment before she turned to finish up.

    He scratched his chin nervously. “I was just wondering why you spend so much time with me, that’s all. You do have your own friends, don’t you?”

    She paused with her hands on the boot door, staring into the car. When she moved again, it was to shut the lid heavily, the loud sound causing him to jump slightly. “Do you want me to stop spending time with you?”

    He tried to move to see her face, but it was in shadow. “No, of course not. I just worry that you’re talking with me instead of going out having fun like you ought to be at your age.”

    She finally turned to look at him again, her gaze almost intensely serious as she spoke. “I do have fun. I have fun with you.”

    “You know that’s not what I mean.”

    There was a spark of anger in her eyes. “What _do_ you mean, then? That I should go out and party and get drunk and have wild one-night stands? How do you know that I don’t? Would that shock you? Would that tarnish the idea you have of me as some perfectly proper student?”

    He was shocked, but not by those things. “That’s not--You don’t have to--”

    “What?!” Her voice was louder now, her arms straight at her sides, ending in clenched fists. “You wouldn’t be the first to think so! Apparently, it’s impossible to be a multi-faceted woman! You’re either an innocent angel or a nasty slag! Do you know how difficult it is to have a normal life when it seems like your every move is being judged? People are always waiting for me to fuck up, even the people who call themselves my friends!”

    “Victoria, please--”

    “No!” she shouted, tears spilling down her cheeks as she stomped her foot. “No, I don’t want to be reasonable right now! I’m so tired of pleasing other people all the time!”

    He swallowed hard, a lump in his throat forming just by seeing her so upset. He moved toward her, reaching out to touch her shoulders gently. “Victoria, that’s what I was asking you about. I want you to do things for yourself. I want you to be happy.”

    “Really?”

    “Yes, really.”

    Wide blue eyes met his as she looked up, her tear-stained cheeks shining in the low sunlight. She sniffled softly before she spoke. “But I _am_ doing things for myself. I’m happy when I’m around you. You… you help me believe I can do whatever I dream about.”

    It was the last thing he expected to hear her say. He was almost afraid of how happy it made him to hear it. In all his years teaching, he had never felt so protective of a student before, and he had certainly never had a student become so fond of him. Sure, he’d been flirted with before, but this was different. This was…

    He stepped back, taking a breath to clear his head. “Then we’ll say no more about it. I only wanted to make sure you weren’t wasting your time on an old man.” He chuckled softly.

    She smiled, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “Oh, you’re not so old.”

    “If only that were true,” he said, tucking his hands under his arms for warmth. “Come on, let’s head back to the festival.”


	3. My Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and messaged me their reactions, even (especially) the screechy ones! It is honestly the biggest motivator to me and really makes me feel like my work is appreciated. <3 Hopefully from here on out, you will all have even more feelings to express!  
> Suggested mood music: "You Matter To Me" by Sara Bareilles

    Things didn’t change between them after the festival, not really. They did all the same stuff they used to, talked about the same topics, spent the same amount of time together. It was just that Victoria felt like all their encounters were now charged with electricity, as if she had somehow become more sensitive to being close to Professor Lamb, and the barest touch or meeting of their eyes made her heart beat faster. Her friends teased her that she fancied him. Though she denied it aloud, inwardly she had to admit to herself that she had grown fond of him in a way that wasn’t altogether platonic. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she knew how he felt. He’d never given much, if any, indication that he cared for her as more than a student. William Lamb was the kind of professor who wanted his students to succeed in life, not just in class. How could she know if he was actually giving her special attention or not?

    The opportunity presented itself in the form of a costume party at her mother’s house. Her mother always threw lavish parties for the holidays, attended by just about anyone she could think of to invite. The house was a little out of the way but still within a reasonable distance of the university. Perhaps if he did care for her like she hoped he did, then he would accept an invitation from her. She forwarded an email invite to him and waited patiently… and then impatiently. A week passed, and she became concerned. Normally he answered her emails fairly quickly, so what was taking him so long?

    The next time she had a class, she hurried to settle her things at her seat and then looked up, shock apparent on her face as she saw someone else had taken Professor Lamb’s place at the front of the room. The girl sitting next to her must have noticed her surprise, because she leaned over and whispered, “Substitute today. Apparently Professor Lamb takes this day off every year.”

    “Really? Why?”

    The girl shrugged. “No idea, that’s just what I heard.”

    “Why didn’t he give us prior notice?” she asked, a little annoyed.

    “Well he kinda did. It’s on the syllabus on the class website.”

    She blushed in embarrassment. “I haven’t really needed to consult it lately.”

    The class was a bit pointless, just a chance to do some group work on their latest project. Victoria was too distracted to concentrate on it fully, wondering what could cause the professor to take an absence at the same time every year. She rarely texted him, but it seemed like a good occasion for it, so she sent him a brief one: “Where are you?” On any other day, he would have texted her back within minutes. Today, however, there was no reply for the remainder of the class period. Surely, even if he was doing something important, he could take a moment to send something back? And why had he not mentioned anything to her personally? She began to worry that something was wrong, though she tried to remind herself that that was unlikely. Still, the feeling wouldn’t go away. As soon as class was over, she gathered up her things and headed straight for her car. She had never visited him at home before, but the more time that passed, the more she felt she needed to see him. Besides, she needed an answer to the invitation, and the party was the next day. Hopefully he wouldn’t mind too much.

    The light brick townhouse was charming with its wide bay windows and its white Victorian roof trim. She took a deep breath and ascended the steps to knock firmly on the door. Would he answer if he wasn’t expecting her? Was he even at home? She chewed her bottom lip, wondering if she should be doing this at all, about to turn around and leave before she heard the soft patter of footsteps from inside and the door finally opened.

    Her cheery greeting died on her lips when she saw him, his hair dishevelled and his eyes rimmed with red. She would have thought him ill if she didn’t know better, and if he wasn’t dressed in a crisp white button-down shirt and ironed slacks. Despite his solemn expression, he couldn’t hide his surprise at seeing her on his doorstep. But the look in his eyes--tired, full of a sorrow she could not explain--shocked her more. Suddenly she felt that she had made a huge mistake.

    “Oh my, I-I didn’t realize--I’ll just go, I’m sorry to have disturbed you,” she said, eyes wide as she turned to go.

    “No, don’t go,” he said, reaching out for her arm to stop her gently. “Whatever brought you, it must have been important for you to seek me out at home. Come in.” He opened the door a bit wider and stepped aside to allow her room for passage.

    Victoria hesitated, glancing inside but unable to look at his face lest she feel her heart breaking for him, though she didn’t even know why he was upset. “Are you sure? It can wait. I don’t want to impose…”

    He shook his head. “You’re not imposing. If anything, it’s a comfort to have you here.” He attempted a smile to reassure her. “Please.”

    She stepped into the house, slipping off her shoes at the door before following him to the sitting room, taking a seat in one of the upholstered antique-looking armchairs next to the sofa where he sat. She brushed her palms along the velvety cushion, uncertain how to broach the subject or if she even wanted to anymore.

    “So…” he began, encouraging her to speak with an expectant look.

    “I-I wanted to know if you were coming to the party tomorrow,” she blurted out.

    He blinked twice, oblivious for a moment. “Party? Ohhh, your email… I--well, I don’t generally feel like festivities this time of year. It’s, er…” He sighed as he looked down at his hands in his lap. “My son’s birthday would have been today. He died a few years ago, you see.”

    Her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know. I really shouldn’t have come--”

    “No, please, don’t worry about it,” he said, scooting a little closer. “It’s not as bad this year as it has been in the past.”

    “Why is that?”

    His lips parted as if he were going to speak, but instead he rubbed his chin and looked away. Victoria followed his gaze, trying to see if he was looking at something specific, and noticed a single picture frame standing in the center of the coffee table.

    “Is that…?”

    He nodded. She moved to join him on the sofa facing the picture, leaning forward to pick it up gently. The photograph depicted two people sitting on a carpeted floor, Professor Lamb and a boy of maybe eight or so. The professor only seemed to be a little younger in the photograph, his face mostly the same but the gray gone from his temples. He was smiling brightly at the camera, the kind of smile she’d only seen from him very rarely. The boy sitting in his lap was smiling too, though he was gazing at the floor instead of the camera. He had dark, curly hair like his father and was bent over his arms, as if he had trouble sitting up straight.

    Victoria glanced up at the real man sitting beside her, his face now impossibly sad instead of smiling. For a moment, the contrast between the current William Lamb and the one in the photograph made it seem as if the loss of his son had aged him. Maybe it had.

    “There were complications during his birth,” he explained. “He was never completely healthy. The doctors said he wouldn’t live past his fifth birthday, but he made it all the way to nine years old. He was a fighter. Cheeky, too. Never said a word out loud, but I always knew what he wanted to say.” Though his voice began to tremble, he kept going as if he had held it inside for too long and now couldn’t stop himself. “When his mother died, he was more concerned for me than he was for himself. Well, I’d spent more time with him than she had, so I suppose it was only natural. Still, he was such a comfort to me. Even at the end, he…” His chin quivered and Victoria could see tears in his eyes before he bowed his head.

    She took one of his hands in both of hers, willing him to meet her eyes again. “He must have loved you very much. And it’s clear that you loved him. How many years ago was it?”

    “Three,” he said quietly.

    “I was here then. How did I not hear about it?”

    “It was a quiet affair. Besides, it’s not the kind of thing people like to talk about.”

    “I wish I could have been there for you.”

    He chuckled wryly. “I’m glad you weren’t. You wouldn’t have wanted to see me then. I was such a mess.”

    She didn’t know what to say to that, so she just squeezed his hand tighter. He placed his other hand on top of theirs, his thumb brushing her skin gently. She was suddenly aware of how close they were sitting, the sides of their legs touching. She could feel the warmth radiating from his body. He smelled slightly of bay leaves and damp earth.

    “Nothing will ever bring my boy back, but since we’ve been spending time together, I feel that I have a renewed sense of purpose in life. It’s like a breath of fresh air after having spent months closed up indoors. The way you throw yourself headlong into everything--it inspires me, I think.”

    She blushed. How could she inspire someone who’d gone through so much when she’d just begun to live her own life? “I’m just impulsive, that’s all.”

    He smiled. “Yes, and full of energy. Even when I was your age, I wasn’t like that. It’s refreshing to watch you make decisions based on your inclinations and emotions. There’s an honesty and bravery in that.”

    She blushed at his words, pulling her hands away gently. It was all a bit too much suddenly, what he’d said practically ringing in her ears as she felt the small space between them charged with electricity. Her eyes were locked with his, the intensity and earnestness of his gaze drawing her in deeper and deeper until she finally spoke. “Thank you,” she said quietly, putting a hand to her burning cheek, hoping to cool it a little. She had wanted to know how he felt about her. He had answered some of that question already, although she still didn’t know whether his feelings were romantic in nature or not.

    As if sensing her inner turmoil, he sat up a bit straighter and cleared his throat. “Anyway, I’m beginning to think a party wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all.”

    Her heart leapt with excitement. “Are you sure? Considering the circumstances--”

    “Stewing in my own grief will only make me more miserable. What kind of party is it? I didn’t really read the email.”

    “A costume party,” she replied, smiling. “There shall be music, nibbles, activities, all sorts of things to do!”

    He stroked his chin thoughtfully. “I should be able to scrounge up some sort of costume for it. Is there anything else I should know?”

    “Starts at seven and goes until the wee hours of the morning,” she said with a giggle. “But you don’t have to stay that long.”

    He chuckled. “Well, we’ll see how it goes. Consider this my RSVP.”

    “Excellent!” She jumped up, pulling her mobile out of her pocket, fingers tapping the screen. “I’ll just text you the address… There. Will you need directions?”

    He stood up as well, a sight more cheery than he had been when she’d come in. “No, I can manage. Thank you, Victoria. I’m glad you came today.”

    Looking up at him, she noticed how the deep lines on his face had softened a little since earlier, or maybe they just seemed not to matter as much anymore. A soft smile lifted her own features, her expression as warm and tender as she felt towards him at the moment. She longed to embrace him, to somehow take away some of the pain he’d been feeling, but she couldn’t bring herself to be so affectionate with him just yet. Even so, his words made her believe that maybe she had helped in some way, at least a little.

    “I’m glad, too,” she said.

    On the drive home, she found that it was impossible for her to stop smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is going to be when the chapters go up, if anybody wants to know:  
> chapter 4 on the 9th  
> chapter 5 on the 12th  
> chapter 6 on the 14th  
> chapter 7 on the 16th  
> chapter 8 on the 19th  
> chapter 9 on the 26th  
> chapter 10 on the 1st  
> Yes, I have written everything already, but it took me 2 months so there has to be a little suspense! ;D


	4. Dance With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood music: "Bright" by Echosmith and "Shut Up And Dance" by WALK THE MOON

    He arrived at the Windsor house fashionably late by about a half hour. It was a lovely white Georgian home with wrought-iron railings, decorated on the outside with orange fairy lights. A couple other guests went in ahead of him, their attire fanciful and extravagant. Going through his closet the day before, he had worried he didn’t actually have much in the way of a costume, but then he’d come across an old suit in the very back. Surprisingly, it still fit him. After a couple spritzes of cologne to get rid of the stale smell, no one would be able to tell he hadn’t worn it in years. He figured he couldn’t go wrong with James Bond.

    A woman around his age or maybe a little older greeted him at the door, flourishing a white feathered mask as she curtsied in her black-and-white dress. “Welcome! Oh, I don’t believe we’ve met before. May I ask your name?”

    “You’re right, we haven’t,” he said with a quick smile, absently beginning to scan the people behind her for any sign of Victoria. It was she who had invited him, after all. “I’m William Lamb, I’m a professor at--”

    “ _There_ you are!” The familiar voice cut through the din of chatting guests as Victoria popped into sight, opposite the direction he’d been looking. She was dressed as a 1920’s flapper in a black-and-gold dress and long black gloves. Her brown hair, smoothed to one side and held with a barrette, looked relatively tame compared to her usual carefree hairstyles. She was smiling ear to ear, and he couldn’t help but smile back.

    “You are the teacher Drina has been going on and on about, then,” said the woman he now presumed to be Victoria’s mother. He blushed slightly, wondering what all she had told her to prompt such a comment.

    “Yes, this is Professor _William Lamb_ ,” she said, repeating his full name with particular emphasis before giggling. “ _William_ , this is my mother.”

    The sound of his name from her lips made his breath catch in his throat. Before he could speak again, he suddenly felt something shuffling around at his ankles and looked down to see a white-and-sable dog sniffing him, a spaniel of some kind, judging by the long floppy ears. He grinned and knelt down to offer his hand to the pup.

    “Drina, I told you to put him up in your room!” her mother snapped.

    Victoria pouted. “But Mama, he just wants to see what’s going on.”

    “This is not up for debate. What if one of our guests is allergic? Go put him up.”

    She sighed, scooping the little dog up in her arms and beckoning the professor to come with her as she acquiesced to her mother’s instructions. He managed to get out a quick “It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am!” before following her up the stairs past guests in various costumes sipping drinks and laughing. Music from another room permeated the house, or maybe there were speakers set around the place, he wasn’t sure. It was certainly a lavish party, filled to the brim with people and decorations and refreshments. The Windsors were evidently very well-off and not at all shy of letting it show. Not that he was unused to such displays of wealth; it had simply caught him a little off guard, seeing as Victoria didn’t often make it obvious that she was so far upper-class, at least not visually.

    They turned and walked down a hall, their shoes tapping on the impeccable hardwood floors, polished nearly to a mirror shine. The professor hesitated when Victoria carried her little dog into a bedroom, instead standing at the doorway and peering in. Soft white light streamed from antique lamps onto the cream-and-pink furnishings and floral wallpaper. Strings of paper stars in various pastel colors dangled from the top edges of the queen-sized canopy bed in the center of the room, gauzy white curtains tied at each of the four corners. Stuffed toys and dolls sat cheerily on shelves and the top of a dresser. It was a sweet, cozy room, yet too clean and organized to have been lived in recently. Even so, it was obviously Victoria’s.

    “What are you standing there for? Come get acquainted with Dashy,” she said, sitting on the bed with her legs folded under her, affectionately petting the spaniel in her lap.

    “I don’t think it’s quite appropriate…”

    She giggled. “Nonsense, I’ve been alone with you in your office plenty of times. How is this any different?”

    ‘ _My office doesn’t have a bed, for one,_ ’ he thought, but saying such a thing out loud would only bring attention to the fact and make things even more uncomfortable. Surely she wasn’t aware of how inappropriate it was to invite her professor into her bedroom, or she wouldn’t be doing it. He sighed and went in a few steps, hands clasped behind his back.

    “What are you supposed to be, anyway?” she asked.

    “What? Oh.” He grinned, putting on a suave voice. “I’m Bond, James Bond. Couldn’t you tell?”

    She laughed, little Dash on her lap standing up to lick her face at the sound, which caused her to laugh even harder. He chuckled as well, the mood lightening enough for him to feel comfortable going to sit on the edge of her bed, reaching out a hand to pat Dash gently. The dog turned and flopped onto his back, falling off Victoria’s lap and onto the blankets, eager for belly-rubs, which he promptly received.

    “He really likes you,” she said, head tilted slightly in amusement as she smiled. “Usually it takes him a little while to warm up to new people.”

    “I’ve always been good with animals,” he admitted. “Sometimes I prefer their company to humans’.”

    She nodded. “They don’t pretend to like you if they don’t.”

    He hummed softly in agreement, still lavishing attention on Dash. “It must be nice to be petted whenever you want. Seems like it would be very comforting.” He continued on for a minute or two longer, scratching under Dash’s chin and ruffling the fur on his chest. Then he glanced up and noticed Victoria staring at him intently. He might have been confused but for the soft, longing look in her blue eyes. His heart ached for him to return that look. Fortunately, he didn’t have to make the decision not to, because she looked away first. He drew his hand away from Dash and stood up.

    “Well, we should probably get back to the party.”

    “Yeah. Stay here and be a good boy, Dashy,” she cooed, following the professor out of the room and closing the door behind her. They nearly bumped into another young woman on their way down the hall. She was dressed as a black cat, a classic choice.

    “Victoria! Come on, it’s time to bob for apples!” she said, grabbing her gloved hand and tugging her along.

    Victoria laughed and pulled on his sleeve to get him to follow. “Okay, come with us, _William_!”

    “William?” her friend asked, glancing back at him as they descended the stairs. “My my, aren’t you two getting cozy with each other?”

    He cleared his throat loudly. “I think I’ll go get a drink. You two go on ahead and I’ll catch up.”

    Her friend giggled as he left, but he deliberately didn’t look back to see what Victoria was doing. He realized he wasn’t sure whether he wanted her to be flirting on purpose or not. Where did she think it would lead? He didn’t want to know the answer because he was utterly torn on the subject. They’d apparently hired an actual bartender for the party, so he ordered a drink and sipped it pensively, watching the guests at the other end of the room bob for apples and cheer each other on. It was ridiculous to think anything could happen between him and Victoria, wasn’t it? If he admitted it to himself, the feelings were there, but the circumstances just weren’t right. Besides the fact that he was twenty years older than her, she was his student. And even if her uncle was the Dean of Faculty and could surely fire him at his discretion, there was still an imbalance of power there that meant he would be taking advantage of her. He could never do such a thing. And yet…

    How could he possibly keep from seeming to lead her on? How could he let her down gently without letting her know how he felt? He didn’t want to push her away completely; she had gained such confidence in herself over the time they had spent together, and of course she had a revitalizing effect on him as well. Why should he deprive her of their friendship simply because he didn’t want to make a wrong move? The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. Perhaps if he simply stayed the course and didn’t give in to his emotions, she would get bored and place her romantic focus on someone else. Yes, surely that had to happen. She was young and impulsive enough that she would turn her attentions elsewhere eventually.

    Emboldened by this thought and his drink, he put down his glass and made his way over to the party-goers crowding around the tub of apples just as Victoria stepped up for her turn. He joined in as they began to chant her name. She gripped the edge of the tub with both hands and took a deep breath, then bared her teeth and leaned over, just dipping her face into the water. It looked almost too easy, the way she seemed to scoop an apple right into her mouth, biting into it before standing up straight and triumphant. The crowd cheered and she took hold of the fruit, grinning as she chewed the bite she’d taken, strands of wet hair clinging to her face and neck.

    “You caught one first try? No way!”

    “You must’ve cheated!”

    “No cheating!” she shot back, smirking proudly. “I’ve just practiced. There’s a technique.”

    Her friend in the black cat costume giggled. “They say if you get an apple on your first attempt, you will find true love!”

    “Maybe I already have,” Victoria replied mysteriously, causing some of the guests to “oooh” in reaction. Then she glanced at him, and their eyes locked for a moment. He smiled at her before he could think about it. The noise of the party seemed to fall away as he held her gaze, determined to endure the way she made his insides flutter. But could she see it in his eyes? She broke eye contact first and walked away to the other room, where people were dancing to the music.

    He followed her slowly, keeping to the fringes of the throng of dancers, feeling a little out of his element with all the young people around him. Still, he enjoyed dancing, and while he watched Victoria he found himself stepping along to the beat of the music, head bobbing slightly. Every once in a while, their eyes would meet, and from the way she held his gaze so pointedly, it seemed to him that she was daring him to come closer. Perhaps it was the energy in the music or the heat of the people around him or the drink he’d had earlier, but he began to wonder why he was resisting her so forcefully. Surely there was no harm in a little bit of dancing.

    When the next song started with its upbeat melody, he couldn’t resist any longer. He let his feet carry him toward her, swinging his arms in time with the music. The tension left his body, replaced by waves of sound propelling him forward. She turned in a circle, one hip leading as she swayed with the rhythm, her hands in her hair, and grinned when she saw him. With a laugh, he closed the distance between them teasingly, taking a few steps forward and then a few steps back, then forward again. He was enjoying himself too much to stop himself thinking about the bright pink flush of her skin, how her breath came quickly due to the exertion. In the dim light, her blue eyes sparkled mischievously as she swung her hips from side to side in a way that brought color to his own cheeks.

    “ _Oh don’t you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me,_ ” she sang along, though he could barely hear her voice over the music itself. He’d heard the song before, but he didn’t know it well enough to be able to sing the words from memory. She kept going, regardless, reaching out for his hands. “ _I said you’re holding back, she said shut up and dance with me!_ ”

    He let her take them and tug him closer until they were mere feet from each other, her black gloves soft and warm against his palms. She was so much shorter and smaller than him, for a moment he was nearly overcome by the tenderness of his feelings toward her. But then she grinned, lifting one arm so that his followed, and let go of one hand to spin out on the dance floor away from him. He smiled as he watched her, her dress flaring out around her like a flower unfolding its petals. When she had gone as far as she could, she stopped and twirled back to him, nearly knocking right into him so that he caught her in his arms reflexively.

    She laughed as she looked up at him. “You’re a good dancer.”

    “So are you,” he said with a grin.

    It was at that moment that the music changed again, this time to a slow song. Before he realized what was happening, Victoria had already laced her fingers through his and guided his other hand to her waist. He considered trying to pull away, but the crowd pressing in against them would have made it too difficult. Instead, he tried to let go of his reservations and just have fun. Why not? It was clearly what she wanted. For her, he could do anything.

    He splayed his fingers across her back as he began to relax again, and she smiled up at him, her eyes impossibly blue in the dim light. He felt as if he might melt into her as they danced. Did she understand the effect she had on him when she looked at him like he was her whole world? Could she ever? She could play his heartstrings like an instrument and he would not protest. She brought out feelings in him that he thought he would never have again. But the fact that she was his student made them bittersweet, longings for something that could never be. It was best that way, though. If he gave in, if he allowed anything between them, then it would only make things all the harder for both of them when it came time to part. And they surely would part, as he had seen it happen to others over the years. The difference in age and experience must separate them eventually, it seemed. So for her sake, he would go along with her only as far as a friendship and nothing more, no matter what their inclinations.

    “What’s wrong?” she asked, pulling him out of his reverie.

    “Nothing,” he said with a reassuring smile, allowing himself a half-truth, “just thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve done anything like this.”

    She smiled that dazzling smile and reached up to touch his cheek with a gloved hand. “I’m so glad you came tonight. I much prefer it when you’re happy and smiling.”

    “Me too.”

    “I wish I could dance with you every night,” she said, her face full of an earnestness that made his conflicting feelings twist almost painfully within him.

    Fortunately, it did not last long, for the dancers were beginning to disperse as a commotion starting from the main hall reached the room. William’s arm circled Victoria’s waist protectively. She giggled, tugging at his hand which was still knotted with hers.

    “It’s time for the bonfire, but I have a better idea,” she said mischievously. “Let’s go watch the fireworks.”

    She was already pulling him along toward the stairs again. “You don’t want to see the fire?”

    “Nah, it’s always the same and it’s boring,” she replied as she led him back up the stairs, though this time they did not turn down the hall toward her room. “Fireworks are much more interesting, don’t you think?”

    He chuckled softly. “I have to agree with you there.”

    They came to a set of French doors looking out onto a small balcony, the city lights visible above a canopy of red and orange leaves beyond the house. Victoria unlatched and pushed open the doors with her free hand, a rush of cold night air greeting them as they stepped outside. It was only then that she let go of his hand, placing both of hers upon the railing as she leaned forward and tilted her head back, taking a deep breath. He smiled fondly as he watched her like that, eyes closed and wisps of loose hair fluttering about her face. She looked wonderfully content.

    “I just love the autumn,” she nearly whispered.

    “It is a lovely time of year. There’s a certain quality to the season that makes people want to savor it, despite the fact that everything is changing.”

    She tilted her head and glanced at him. “Perhaps they just want to hold onto what they have for as long as they can. It’s only human nature.”

    He looked out into the darkness at the twinkling stars. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s not better to let things go so that you can move on, rather than clinging to them until they’re torn from you.”

    The warmth of her hand touching his shoulder caused him to meet her gaze. “What about things you don’t have to let go of?”

    It seemed like they searched each other’s eyes for an eternity, trying to find the grains of truth in the veiled words they spoke to each other. He wasn’t sure how to answer her, partly because he couldn’t be sure exactly what she was asking, but mostly because there wasn’t much of anything in his life that he hadn’t had to let go of eventually for one reason or another. When he was young, he’d been certain that there were some things that lasted forever, just as she probably believed, but were there really?

    A loud POP and crackle accompanied by sparkles of color broke the moment. The fireworks had begun. Different hues lit up their faces with each burst in the sky. As they watched, Victoria’s hand covered his on the railing, and he made no move to remove it. Maybe, just for tonight, he could pretend that this would last. For as long as the fireworks kept going, they could hold onto this moment and this feeling as if they could touch forever.


	5. Inclinations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood music: "Favourite Thing" by Yuna  
> [I created a playlist of all the songs on playmoss](https://playmoss.com/en/annachibi/playlist/autumn-hearts)! But be warned, it contains songs from later chapters all the way to the end, too. So tread lightly if you don't want to be even a tiny bit spoiled. ;)

    It seemed to Victoria that the days went by too quickly for comfort. Before she knew it, it was almost time for exams. The next term was rapidly approaching, a term in which she would not be one of Professor Lamb’s students. She knew she would still find time to visit him, but she would no longer be able to look forward to sitting and listening to him lecture and teach. His class was usually the highlight of her week. If only time could slow down just a little so she could savor it properly… But whenever she was with him, the opposite happened, so that their time together seemed far too short.

    During reviews, she found her thoughts continually returning to pleasant memories involving William over the past months. She would press the end of her pencil to her lips and smile softly to herself, reminiscing on the course of their friendship. Lately, they had been rather quiet around each other when she came to visit with him in his office, but it was a pleasant, comfortable sort of silence as they each attended to their own business. She wondered when they’d gotten to the point that not talking was no longer awkward, neither of them having the urge to fill the space between them with idle chatter. It was enough to simply be in the same room with each other, to have that invisible and unspoken connection between them. The only problem was, she had begun to crave his company at inopportune moments. And sometimes, she wanted more than just his company.

    It was during one of her office visits that she decided to try to do something about that. She suggested, since they were both starting to yawn a bit, that they go get coffee together at one of her favorite hang-out spots. He was a little reluctant at first, especially when she offered to drive, but she managed to convince him it would be good to have a change of scenery and come back to their work later with a fresh perspective. That, and a teensy bit of pouting helped.

    He was so big for her little car that he had to adjust the passenger seat so his knees didn’t hit the dashboard, which took a little doing and quite a bit of being jostled back and forth, during which she giggled profusely. When he was comfortable, he huffed in slight annoyance, his cheeks red with embarrassment. She couldn’t help reaching over to pat one in a teasingly condescending manner.

    “Did you have fun?” she asked with a grin.

    He had to laugh in spite of himself. “A bit like riding a mechanical bull.”

    She began to maneuver the car out of the car park and to the coffee shop, glancing over at him with an amused look. “You’ve ridden a mechanical bull before?”

    “Er, yes, a long time ago,” he admitted, blushing. “The wildness of youth and all that.”

    “Somehow, I have a hard time imagining the prim and proper William Lamb being very wild at all.”

    “You would be shocked at some of the things I did back then, I’m sure,” he said, his voice a bit soft as he looked out the window. Most of the leaves had fallen from the trees by now, their bare branches swaying in the cold wind. Gray clouds threatened to pour rain on them. He adjusted the navy blue scarf around his neck.

    “Oh, I don’t think I would be shocked at all, just confused why you don’t do them anymore if you enjoyed them once.”

    “Sometimes there are things you simply cannot do, no matter your inclinations.”

    She looked over at him for a moment, perfectly aware that he had gone off on one of his melancholic trains of thought again. They seemed to lure him away more and more these days. What on earth could he be thinking of that was making him so wistful? She would almost blame it on the weather and shorter days, but there had to be more to it. Well, something had to be done. Hopefully their outing would have a positive effect on him. As they parked near the shop and got out, raindrops began to sprinkle down as if to dampen the mood, but they only served to make her more determined to have a good time.

    It was cold outside, but inside the cafe it was cozy and warm with bright yellow light streaming from the overhead lamps. Besides the tables and chairs for patrons, there were also a number of cushy-looking sofas and chairs, a small “stage” area likely for local performers, and a chess set in the corner. Pieces by local artists and bits of 80’s music memorabilia decorated the walls in an eclectic style. They ordered their drinks and sat down at one of the tables near the big windows at the front. It had begun to rain in earnest now, wet trails sliding down the glass. Their arrival couldn’t have been more perfectly timed.

    Victoria warmed her cold hands around the mug, breathing in the sweet scent of her coffee. The foam and whipped cream on top had been shaped into a flower and painted with colored sugar. “I thought you’d like this place, particularly because they make these little designs,” she said, indicating how his drink had been decorated as well.

    A bright smile lifted his features, bringing the familiar crinkles to the corners of his eyes. “Mine looks rather like a peony. Did you know those are my favorites?”

    “They are?” She leaned forward to look into his cup, delighted by this surprise. “Well, that’s got to be a sign of good fortune or something, right?”

    He chuckled, taking a sip carefully. “Perhaps. It’s so lovely I almost don’t want to drink it.”

    “Take a photo then!” she suggested.

    “Oh! Yes, I can do that, can’t I?” He pulled his mobile phone out of his pocket and angled it to take a picture of the little pink peony atop the coffee foam. Then he smirked slightly as if getting an idea, and before she could even think to strike a pose, he had taken a picture of her too.

    “Hey, I wasn’t ready!”

    He laughed, navigating to look at what he’d captured. “I didn’t want you to put on a smile, I just want a picture of you as you are. Ah, lovely.”

    She blushed at his honesty. “A-At least let me see it! I have to make sure I don’t look daft.”

    “You don’t,” he assured her, giggling, which nearly negated his words.

    She reached out for his mobile, but he pulled back, just out of her reach. She was so much shorter than him; if he decided to hold his mobile up above his head, she would have no chance of getting it from him. But like any other short person, that only made her annoyed. However, he seemed to sense this, and laughed as he relented, turning the screen to face her.

    “See?” he said, grinning as he watched her reaction.

    It was the first time she’d ever seen how she looked at him. There she was, chin resting on her hand as she watched him with amusement, a slight upward curl to her lips that couldn’t quite be called a smile. But it was the look in her eyes that drew her attention, a look she had seen before when _he_ looked at _her_. It was a look that expressed so much admiration and joy and… dare she even think the word “love”?

    She ducked her chin a bit as she looked away, taking a long drink from her mug, trying to forget about how warm she felt suddenly.

    “Satisfied, then?” he asked, putting the mobile back in his pocket before turning his attention back to his coffee as well.

    “Yes.” It took her only a moment to seize upon a new topic, one that would put him on the spot instead. “So tell me about your ‘wild youth’ as you call it.”

    He looked as if he might choke on his coffee but he only coughed slightly. “Why on earth would you want to hear about that?”

    “I want to know more about what you were like back then,” she said with a grin, one eyebrow raised. “I bet you weren’t even that adventurous. I bet you’re just putting on airs.”

    “I most certainly am not putting on airs! It’s simply that, well, it’s not the kind of thing one discusses with a student…”

    “I would hope I’m not merely a student by now. I’m also your friend, am I not?” She tilted her head, fixing him with a questioning look.

    He held her gaze for a moment before looking away with a soft sigh. She could almost see the cogs turning in his head as he considered whether or not to tell her. Why was he always so reluctant to let her get close? In a few short months, she wouldn’t even be his student anymore, and then there wouldn’t really be any reasons for them to stay at arm’s length, would there? But maybe there was something she was missing.

    “When I was a young man, and when Caroline and I were first married, I was…” He paused with his lips pursed, as if searching for the right words. “I had an interest in alternative erotic practices.”

    She blinked once, twice, as she digested the information. “So… like BDSM and stuff?”

    “In essence,” he said hesitantly, not meeting her eyes as he rubbed the back of his neck.

    “Are we talking black leather bodysuits and ball-gags, or--”

    “No! God, no, nothing that drastic,” he clarified, his eyes wide. “How do you even know about that?”

    She had to laugh. “It’s the twenty-first century; we have internet.”

    “Of course,” he said quietly, scratching his chin as his face went pink yet again. “I-I don’t really feel comfortable going into the details… It was years ago, after all.”

    “Oh, right,” she said, waving her hand as if to dismiss the topic, though it was actually all she could think about. If she’d had any doubt she was attracted to him, well, she didn’t now.

    “Since I have indulged your curiosity in my past, I believe it is my turn to ask something personal,” he suggested, stirring the last half of his coffee with a spoon. “It’s possible that your activities have simply escaped my notice, but I believe I’m correct in my assumption here. Why have you not dated anyone since I’ve known you?”

    It was Victoria’s turn to go wide-eyed, though she tried to cover it quickly. “H-How would you know if I have or not?”

    He tilted his head, fixing her with a pointed stare, those green eyes practically burning holes in her. He knew her too well by now for her to pull one over on him.

    She looked away from him, running a finger along the rim of her mug. “It’s not for lack of wanting to date. I simply don’t like anyone who’s asked me this term. Besides, I’ve been too busy for dating. I prefer to spend my time doing other things. Graduation is more important right now.”

    “Speaking of graduation, are you sure you’re not working yourself too hard? The last year of university is challenging for most anyone, but there is a lot of pressure on you in particular. How has your family been treating you lately?”

    She could almost curse for how well he knew her--too well, really. This was supposed to be a light-hearted outing, but here he was asking all these terribly hard-hitting questions that she didn’t really want to deal with at the moment. Intellectually, she knew her mother and her uncle only had her best interests at heart, but that didn’t keep it from hurting when they tried to dissuade her from what she was doing, rather than support her. She decided on a reply that conveyed everything and yet nothing. “As well as can be expected.”

    He didn’t rebuke her for her meaningless platitude. He simply reached out and cupped one of her hands with his own, the warmth from the coffee spreading through their fingers. She sighed softly and laced her fingers through his, holding him there for comfort more than anything else. Maybe she didn’t go on dates lately or have a girlfriend or boyfriend, but William provided all the support and affection she needed. If only she could make him see that. She felt hot tears pricking the corners of her eyes and tried to blink them away before he could notice, but of course nothing about her escaped him.

    “Are you alright?” he asked, his voice impossibly soft. “I didn’t mean to pry, I was only--”

    She shook her head, giving him a reassuring smile. “It’s nothing. I think I’m just more tired than I realized.”

    “Perhaps we should bring this outing to an end, then,” he suggested, gently pulling his hand away from hers.

    “Perhaps,” she agreed, then laughed as she finally looked at him again. He had somehow managed to get whipped cream foam all along his upper lip. Before he could ask what she was laughing at, she took a napkin and leaned in to wipe it from his face.

    He blushed, licking his lips. “I could have done that myself.”

    “Yes, but I wanted to do something for you for a change.”

    “You do plenty for me,” he said, surprised by her words.

    She began to clean up the table a little and stood up. “Well, then maybe you underestimate how much you do for _me_.”

    He stood up as well, straightening out his coat. “It’s not a competition, Victoria. I don’t want you to feel obligated in any way.”

    “I don’t,” she said, looking up at him. _‘I’m in love with you,’_ she wanted to say. _‘You make me feel like I’m going to burst with the strength of it.’_ But she knew he wouldn’t accept it, not yet. She would have to wait until the term was over. “I feel… happy. Making you happy makes me happy.”

    He smiled gently, the earlier traces of melancholy gone from his face. “You are a good soul. Come, you need your rest.” He placed his hand at the small of her back and she let him guide her out of the cafe, feeling as if she would never be tired again if only he would continue touching her like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up splitting what would have been chapter 6 into 2, so I will post the first part (chapter 6) on Wednesday the 14th, and the second part (chapter 7) on the 16th. After that, everything should continue according to schedule.


	6. Bittersweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood music: "Oblivion" by Bastille and "Do You?" by Yiruma

It wasn’t long before it was time for first term exams. William hadn’t seen Victoria for a while since lectures were over, but they texted each other a little every day. Though he was very busy with his ecology work, he was surprised at how often he found his thoughts wandering in the middle of everything, a very specific, soft sort of loneliness settling over him that he had thought he would never experience again. Every time her name showed up on his mobile screen, his heart skipped a beat and a smile lit up his face. It was comforting just to know what she was up to and that she was doing well, even if they couldn’t meet face-to-face. Every shared joke or comment seemed to make cracks in the walls he’d put up around himself, making it even harder to deny his feelings than it already was.

The exam for his class was her last one, and she came in bundled up in a coat over pink flannel pajamas with a crown print. She wasn’t the only one wearing questionable attire, but it was the first time he had seen her dressed so casually. Not that he could blame her. Testing took a lot out of a student, and it was her last year, after all. Actually, he thought she looked cute this way--no keeping up appearances, just being herself as she wanted to be. He wanted to stay and watch her through the whole exam but such a thing would be far too obvious, and besides, he had other work to do.

He came back at the end to finish things up and collect the papers, but before he could do so, he realized that she had fallen asleep at her desk! The movements of the other students leaving only roused her a little, so that she propped her head up, but it was clear by the way she struggled to keep her eyes open that it was only a matter of time before she fell back to sleep. He went to her desk and peeked at her paper, relieved that she had nearly finished before her tiredness had overtaken her. He touched her shoulder gently, which had the unexpected result of jolting her awake.

She looked around and then up at him, wide-eyed. “Oh no! Is it over?”

“Yes, but it’s alright, you did enough,” he said with a soft chuckle, taking the paper from her desk. “I’d let you stay and nap, but I’m afraid I have to get going, myself.”

Her cheeks burned bright pink, matching her flannel. “I’m so sorry! This week has been so exhausting. I-I’ll just head home.”

“Well, you’re in no fit state to drive at the moment. Why don’t you let me give you a ride? You can arrange to collect your car later.”

“Oh, that would be lovely, thank you,” she said, covering her mouth with one hand as she tried to stifle a yawn.

He collected the rest of the papers as she stood up and stretched for a moment, then he took her outside to his car. It only occurred to him once she got in that he should have asked if she had a friend who could take her, or if she could take the bus, or something like that. But it was pointless to mention any of that now. Besides, it didn’t really matter how she got home, did it? The important thing was that she got home safely. He couldn’t bear the thought of her getting into an accident because she’d fallen asleep at the wheel. ‘ _Yes,_ ’ he thought to himself as he drove to her flat, ‘ _this is the best and most logical course of action. No need to feel guilty._ ’

Victoria’s place was an unassuming little flat with a whitewashed exterior and red tile roof. It was the kind of place within the price range of most middle-to-upper-class university students. He was certain she could afford better if she wanted it; in fact, it wouldn’t have been too much trouble for her to live with her mother, but apparently that wasn’t something she wanted. She had spoken to him occasionally about a roommate. Perhaps she had wanted it to be within her friend’s budget. In any case, it wasn’t grandiose but it had a certain charm to it, with its short brick wall and little front gate. He parked the car and only then realized that the poor girl had fallen asleep again.

“Victoria,” he whispered, leaning toward her.

“Mmmff,” she grumbled, shifting in her seat to try to get more comfortable, though of course it was futile.

He chuckled softly. “Victoria, we’re here.”

She inhaled slowly through her nose as the words sank in and she woke up a little, her blue eyes fluttering open. “Already?”

“It wasn’t very far. Are you going to make it inside on your own?” he asked, trying not to make it sound like he was teasing her, though it was very difficult to suppress his giggling.

She seemed to consider her answer a little too long. “Would you come in with me?”

“Well…” He was supposed to say no. An invitation like that could only lead to more temptation than he was certain he could withstand. Out here, he was safe. Inside, who knew what would happen? And yet, she had asked so sweetly. She was only tired. Surely nothing untoward could happen while she was so sleepy. “Alright, but only for a few minutes.”

She smiled, an expression that almost took his breath away with its unabashed joy at his answer. He shook his head and got out of the car, going round to help her out, then opening the gate as they walked to the front door. She fumbled with her keys for a moment but managed to unlock the door quickly enough and let them both inside. Tossing the keys at a side table in the hall (probably meant for the little bowl on top of it, but they missed and clattered to the floor, so William picked them up and placed them in it), Victoria made her way to the sitting room, where she promptly plopped down on the sofa face-first.

“That’s not bed,” he scolded gently, going to take her hand so she would get up again, but she made no move to do so.

“Good enough,” she mumbled into the sofa.

“No, not good enough.” He tried to sound stern, but even he could hear the barely-contained laughter in his voice. “Victoria, please, you need a good night’s rest, and that will not happen on that sofa.”

She pulled her hands into the sleeves of her coat. “How do you know?”

“Because, it’s not--” His words trailed off when her coat came away in his hands, her arms slipping out and flopping down at her sides. He sighed loudly and folded it up, putting it on one of the chairs. “If you’re going to act like a child, then I shall just have to treat you like one.”

“Huh?”

If she had been more awake, she might have protested him scooping her up in his arms and carrying her to bed. As it was, she only blushed and circled her arms around his neck before telling him which room was hers. She was so small in comparison to him, he felt his chest tighten with a wish to protect her from anything that might ever hurt her. He fought down the feeling as he took her to her bed, leaning down to place her on the floral bedspread. Instead of laying down, however, she kept clinging to him, fuzzy pink pajamas soft against his neck.

“Victoria…”

She didn’t reply, only relaxed her hold on him a little, hands bunched in the fabric of his coat on his shoulders, head bowed slightly so that he could only see the top of her head. At this close range, he could smell the fragrance of her hair, light and sweet like strawberries and sugar. He resisted the urge to inhale more deeply. The longer they stayed in that position, the more he thought his heart might beat right out of his chest. He had to pull away…

The moment he shifted to move back, she looked up and raised up on her knees, closing the last of the distance between them with the touch of her lips against his. He froze with his hands on the edge of the bed for balance, his breath caught in his throat. Her small hand cupped his jaw as she pressed against him more insistently, her eyes closed. He felt his lips melt against hers in a soft kiss before he could think to stop himself. But when she tugged on his scarf and he felt the barest trace of her tongue against his lips, he broke the kiss and pulled away. Straightening up and adjusting his scarf, he tried to compose himself.

“William?”

He could barely look at her, clasping his hands in front of him to keep them from shaking. “You have had a long day--a long week, in fact. You need your rest.”

“But--”

“We’ll talk later,” he said, turning and leaving the flat with measured gait.

It was only once he had gotten in his car and driven out of sight of the place that tears blurred his vision and he was forced to pull over. He had waited far too long to break things off, and now he was only going to end up hurting her. He had known from the start that he would have to do it, but he had not anticipated how hard it would be for him to cause her pain, even if it was kinder in the long run. How could he have let things get this far?


	7. No Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood music: "Words" by Birdy

    William’s hasty departure right after their first kiss caused Victoria some confusion, but she was hopeful that it was a turning point in their relationship. Perhaps she had finally gotten through to him. It had been an utterly impulsive move, owing at least partially to how tired she had been at the time, but the feeling behind it was absolutely genuine, and it was something she’d wanted to do for a while. So while she was a little embarrassed about it, she didn’t regret it in the slightest. In fact, for days afterward, she would think of how it had felt to kiss him, and smile to herself.

    Getting him to talk about it was another matter, however. He fobbed off her requests via mobile or email with thin excuses about being busy with his ecology work, so for a little while she was content to believe he simply needed some space to process what had happened. But as the holidays neared, she became more insistent. He finally relented and told her to meet him at a particular spot by the beach one evening, as he would be doing a little field work there but it would be a quiet place to talk things out. It was snowing out, so she bundled up with hat, gloves, and boots, and headed out into the cold.

    When she arrived, he had already done some of his work and was putting samples away in his car. She greeted him with a cheery smile. He smiled back, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes the way it usually did. The daylight was almost gone and the street lights only lit up so much, so he grabbed a couple of torches for them to find their way as they walked down the forest path that led to the shore on the other side.

    She followed him along the path, his longer strides carrying him faster than she went at a casual pace. For a short distance, she didn’t mind too much, focusing instead on watching the snow land in his dark hair, which was even more curly than usual for being damp. But the moment she began breathing heavily, she realized he must have been power-walking deliberately to keep from having to discuss anything with her. She huffed in annoyance and hurried forward, grabbing his arm.

    “Will you slow down? I’ve never seen you in such haste!”

    “Sorry,” he said softly, slowing his pace to match hers.

    “That’s much better,” she said, falling in step next to him. She would have attempted to hold his hand, but the one closest to her was holding his torch. “Now, I know you’ve been trying to avoid this--”

    “I-I haven’t!” he protested.

    “Yes, you have. Don’t you dare lie to me, Will,” she said angrily, frowning up at him. To her satisfaction, he looked appropriately ashamed of himself. She allowed her tone to soften a little. “I think I’ve given you enough time to digest the events of that day, and quite frankly, I think it’s time that you give me an explanation for why you ran off so suddenly.”

    His expression changed to one she recognized all too well, as he had worn it for a while now. There was a sadness in his eyes that she didn’t understand, especially now. She had thought that the kiss meant he could move past whatever it was that was holding him back, but now she wasn’t so sure of that. But he had kissed her back; she had felt it! Briefly, yes, but unmistakably. Surely that meant he had feelings for her, too… didn’t it?

    “Well?” she prodded.

    He sighed, stopping and turning to face her fully, the force of his green-eyed gaze almost too much for her to meet. “No doubt you have heard rumors about me with regard to my late wife.”

    Her brows furrowed with confusion. “Yes, but how is that related to--”

    “We were happy when we married,” he said, his voice becoming thick with emotion though his face was cold as steel. “We were in love. But sometimes, you see, love is not enough to hold a relationship together. There are other factors involved--personalities, habits, finances, health, occupations… ages.”

    “What are you saying? I’m not a child, you know. I’m nearly twenty-two!”

    “It’s not a matter of how old _you_ are, Victoria. It’s a matter of how old _I_ am. I’m old enough to be your father. People do not look kindly on relationships where there is a significant age difference. I have also been your professor. Your grades, perhaps your whole education, could be called into question. I would never forgive myself if I became responsible for that.”

    “I don’t care about what people say, you know that!”

    “But other people do, and that would create negative consequences for you. Your whole future could be put at risk. That’s the kind of thing that drives a wedge between people.”

    No no no, that wasn’t what she wanted to hear at all! She blinked away the tears that she felt beginning to fill her eyes. “But I… I _love_ you!”

    His stony expression crumbled at her words, replaced by a look of utter sadness. She understood now why he had had that look so often lately. He had never intended to be with her. He would rather deny his own feelings and smother any chance at happiness, than risk either of them getting hurt.

    She turned tail and ran, her vision blurred by tears as she tore through the forest toward the sound of the ocean waves, eschewing the trail completely. Branches of trees and bushes tugged at her clothes and hair, but she could think of nothing but getting away from the sad green eyes and the cruelly logical words of the man she loved. She could hear him calling after her, but she kept running until she reached the shore and felt wet sand beneath her boots.

    The ocean seemed to reach out into infinity, even more than it did during the clear day. It had stopped snowing for the most part, and the clouds had parted just enough to reveal a few twinkling stars. In the dark, Victoria couldn’t see the horizon. It all stretched into endless blackness. She couldn’t tell which stars were real and which ones were reflections. At that moment, she wanted to fling herself into the ocean and let it carry her off into nothingness, to take away all the feelings in her heart that threatened to rip her apart with their intensity. She didn’t want to die, no, but with the taste of salt tears in her mouth and the scent of saline breezes from the sea, it already felt like she was drowning. Her chest ached in a way that felt almost too real to be heartbreak. She wrapped her arms around herself as if that would keep her crying silent.

    “Victoria! There you are, thank god!”

    She didn’t turn around as she heard the soft crunch of his shoes on the rocky shore getting closer and then slowly coming to a stop behind her.

    “Victoria?” His voice was quieter now, concerned.

    She felt the warmth of his hand on her shoulder, and it was as if a dam had broken. Her body shook with whimpering sobs as she turned into his chest, burying her face against his woolly coat. The night was cold and harsh but he was warm, smelling of ginger and lavender. “I don’t want anything else if I can’t have you! What use would it all be? I think I will never be happy!”

    He folded her into his arms, shushing her softly. “You’ll find happiness again. You’re young still.”

    “I wish we could just run away together…”

    She felt the movement of his chest as he sighed. “I’m sorry, Victoria.”

    The sorrow, the finality of the words sparked a fire in her and she pulled away from him. “That’s all you have to say? You’re sorry?”

    In the days to come, the pained expression on his face would haunt her, but now it only angered her more that he seemed so easily resigned to this fate. “What else would you have me say? I can’t give you what you want, you know that. I-I have no choice.”

    They were exactly the words she didn’t want to hear.

    “You’re a coward, William Lamb!” she shouted, before turning and trudging back through the forest path to the main road. She resisted the urge to look back, wiping her wet eyes with her gloved hands. After a while, she came out near their cars, and wasted no time getting into hers. It became clear that he had not followed her this time. She slammed her fist against the dashboard, trying to calm her crying. He had feelings for her; he had almost said as much. How could he give up so easily? How could he not want to at least try? A chance at happiness was better than none at all, wasn’t it? Those excuses about what people would say, did he really believe them? If he did, then maybe he wasn’t the man she thought he was.


	8. Little Bird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood music: "Let Me In" by Glen Hansard and "Thing Called Love (Mike Shiver Remix)" by Above & Beyond

Victoria’s last term was the busiest one yet. Even though she wanted to spend more time with William, she found that it was difficult to coordinate when she had so many things going on. Still, she managed to see him at least once a week. There was a gulf between them when they were together, a silent tension they both tried to ignore. Usually they could do so until particular moments, like when things went quiet after they’d been laughing together, or when their eyes met for a little too long. At those moments, she became painfully aware of the difference between how close they had been and how far apart they seemed now. Stubborn as she was, Victoria was not content to let him slip through her fingers without a fight. Late in the term, a couple weeks before graduation, she found her chance to make her last stand.

She had invited him out to a botanic garden, winning him over by explaining that it was only open to the public for one weekend and anyway she already bought tickets so he couldn’t  _ not _ go! They arrived in the evening, intending to stay through sunset and into the night so that they could see the rare night-blooming flowers. Strolling through a garden with a professor of ecology who had a particular interest in botany would be a treat for almost anyone. Occasionally, they gathered a little attention when he was expounding upon this or that plant, other visitors drawing near to listen to him. She couldn’t help but smile with no small amount of pride when that happened. He was a natural orator, and he loved an enthusiastic audience. As he regaled people with facts, he smiled so brightly that she felt if she closed her eyes she would be able to see him behind her eyelids. After one of his impromptu crowds had dispersed, she returned one of these dazzling smiles, and it seemed that the distance between them lessened.

As the colorful gardens became quieter and the sun began to set, she took his arm, walking with him shoulder-to-shoulder (or what would have been that, if she were tall enough). With his attention so focused on the beauty of nature around them and the wonder of new Spring life, it was almost as if things were back to the way they had been before winter break. She leaned her head against his arm, his dark brown blazer slightly rough against her cheek. Cool breezes lifted the scents of herbs, flowers, and other plants past their noses.

“Oh, the rhododendrons are lovely!” William exclaimed, looking toward the tunnel of foliage ahead of them. Woody branches sprouted from either side of the path, arching up toward each other and overlapping at the top to form a canopy of green leaves and deep pink blossoms. The last of the sunlight shone down through small spaces here and there, creating ethereal shafts of soft orange light. Pink petals fluttered down every so often to cover the walkway in a carpet of flowers.

“Shall we run through it?” Victoria asked, grinning cheekily.

“Running isn’t allo--” He paused, smirking as he realized her plan, then continued in a whisper. “Yes, but quickly, before someone sees us.”

She giggled, elated that he had agreed, and pulled away from his arm to instead grab hold of his hand. And then they were off! They tried to keep their laughter quiet as each step kicked up petals around them, but soon gave over to unabashed, ecstatic giggling. Bursts of pink seemed to swirl around them as they ran, their fingers tightly intertwined. Reaching the end of the tunnel, they turned abruptly to see what their passage had wrought, cheeks red and breathing fast from the exertion. The petals were scattered every which way now, revealing the dirt path beneath it.

“Do you think someone heard us?” she asked, trying to quiet her laughing.

He was chuckling as well. “No, I don’t think there’s anyone left out here. Oh, you’ve…”

“Hm?” She turned toward him, looking up as he reached out toward her. An even deeper blush warmed her cheeks as she felt his fingers in her hair for a moment before his hand came away with one of the small rhododendron flowers in it.

He smiled softly. “This one must have fallen on you,” he said, letting it fall to the ground.

She nodded, letting out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

“People eat them, you know.”

“...Pardon me?” she asked, brow raising at the seeming subject change.

“Rhododendrons,” he said with a laugh. “In Nepal, the flowers are cooked into all sorts of dishes.”

She giggled. “Really? Maybe I should try one.”

“Not these, though. Who knows what kind of chemicals they use around here. Best to stick to the varieties cultivated specifically for consumption.”

“True,” she agreed, looking up through the gaps in the tunnel to the rapidly-darkening sky above. Soon enough, they would be able to see the stars. “We’d better get over to the moonflowers.”

It took them only a few minutes to get to the area where the night-loving plants resided. A few people were already there to watch, but it wasn’t crowded and there were lots of flowers, so it was easy to find a good view. One or two had already bloomed with the setting of the sun. Victoria and William stood next to each other in front of one of the bushes, the fact that they were still holding hands forgotten for the moment. They were focused entirely upon the curled white buds in front of them. In front of their very eyes, the flowers shifted ever so slowly, petals unfolding from a tightly-coiled five-pointed shape, the space between each point getting slightly wider as the minutes passed.

“I think this one might have gotten stuck,” said Victoria impatiently.

William only chuckled. “It won’t get stuck. Once it has begun to bloom, there’s no stopping it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, quite sure. The only way you can stop a force of nature like this is by destroying it before it has the chance to finish. Just wait, you’ll see.”

She sighed, leaning her head against his arm again as she waited. The flowers seemed to elongate and stretch out for another minute or so, and then suddenly they unfurled more rapidly, ivory petals spreading out into a full star-shaped flower. She leaned forward and let out a soft breath at the sight, watching several more moonflowers follow suit soon after. When she looked back at the first one, it had widened even further, flattening out its petals as if it had only been shy and now was ready to show its whole face.

Glancing at William, she realized he was looking at her instead of the flowers. In the twilight, she couldn’t see whether or not he blushed at her taking notice. He did, however, let go of her hand and stuff his into his pocket. She tried not to let her frown be too obvious as tiny lights flickered on to illuminate the walkways.

“I suppose it’s time we should be heading back,” he said quietly. “It will be closing time soon.”

She nodded, walking back toward the car park with him. They went at a leisurely pace and found themselves looking up at the moon beaming down from the night sky. She took hold of his arm again and tilted her chin all the way up so all she could see was the sky and the tops of the trees. He chuckled in amusement as she smiled.

“Sometimes, when I look at the stars, I feel like I could just float off into space,” she said. “If I jumped a little, maybe my feet would leave the ground and never come back down.”

“That sounds frightening.”

“It’s not really. It’s sort of… freeing.”

“Perhaps you would like to fly, like a bird,” he suggested, placing his hand on hers where she held his arm. “That would be pleasant sometimes, I think. But I should like to be able to come back to the earth when I choose.”

As they left the garden, she loosed her hand from his arm and stopped walking, tired of the way they danced around their feelings with such talk. This might be her last chance to change his mind, and she couldn’t let it pass her by. He stopped a couple steps ahead of her and turned back to her with a quizzical expression. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I had another reason for inviting you out here tonight,” she admitted.

There was a beat of silence. “Yes?”

She stepped closer and looked up into those pale green eyes, hoping that he might see something in her own blue ones that would make him reconsider his stance on their relationship. “Mama has asked me to go on a trip with her after graduation,” she said, studying his face for any trace of emotion, the yellow light of the street lamps falling across his features. “We would go all over Europe, maybe further, weeks at every place. I haven’t said yes yet. What do you think?”

He couldn’t mask the surprise on his face at all. He nearly masked his disappointment with a wooden smile, but she could see through it, especially when he failed to meet her eyes. The cheery lilt in his voice fell flat with its falseness. “I think it is a wonderful opportunity for you. Not many people are able to see and experience the world like that.”

She touched his wrist, squeezing slightly so he would look at her again. “But do you think I should go?”

“That’s not for me to decide, Victoria. You must ask yourself what  _ you _ want to do. But if I were you, I… would not want to waste an opportunity like that. A little bird such as yourself must have a chance to spread her wings, after all.”

He was pushing her away again. They said if you loved something you would set it free, but didn’t he understand that he’d already done that? What was the use in continuing to do it once it was clear that she wanted him? If only he would speak his mind, perhaps they could get somewhere. She had to push back. She blinked away the tears forming in her eyes and said, “I might never see you again.”

“That cannot factor into your decision.”

She couldn’t hold back any longer, a lump rising in her throat as she fought to keep from crying. “Why not? I was so happy last term. Weren’t you?”

He was silent for a moment, but his eyebrows, lifting in the middle with the force of his sadness, said everything. “You know I was.”

“Sometimes I don’t understand you at all,” she said quietly, passing a hand across her eyes to dry them as she restrained herself, swallowing her emotions. “Well, it’s late; I should be getting home.”

“Victoria?”

She hesitated, but he took one of her hands in both of his, which made her look up at him. He was focused on their hands, his fingers brushing over her skin with a gentleness that caused her heart to ache. He seemed to be gathering the courage to say something.

“I wish you the best of luck, Victoria, I really do. Whatever you do in the future, I hope that you will be very happy.”

She nodded, biting her lip. She hadn’t managed to change his mind at all. His resolve was entirely too strong for her to sway. There was nothing more she could do, so she had to let go. She pulled her hand away from his grasp. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, realizing that if she did she would only start crying. So she simply turned around and walked away. She always seemed to be walking away, when all she ever wanted was for him to give her a reason to stay.


	9. Only A Fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood music: "Hurts Like Hell" by Fleurie and "Stay" by Hurts

    Everything felt a little empty since Victoria had announced her intention to go abroad after graduation. Their goodbye for graduation had been short and restrained, a thousand words left unspoken in the wake of her presence. William kept telling himself it was better this way. A clean break was what she needed to heal and move on with her life. In time, she wouldn’t even remember her feelings for him as more than a fleeting fancy. As for him, well, he had had enough heartbreak in his life that it had almost become an old friend. Eventually, he would settle in with his work and his day-to-day routine as he always did.

    But first… first, he would get hopelessly and spectacularly drunk.

    The weekend after graduation seemed the best time to start. He regularly kept alcohol around the house anyway, so it was only a matter of rounding up enough of it to occupy him in the sitting room where he would plant himself for the day. Drinking had been part of what killed his wife, and for quite some time he had not allowed any in the house. After his son’s death, however, his self-restraint with regard to drinking had collapsed. It was the only thing that allowed him to sleep soundly at night instead of lying awake with nothing but his thoughts. And his thoughts, his memories, his regrets, only clamoured ever more loudly when he was upset. He had to shut them up.

    Perhaps it should have come as no surprise, then, when he awoke the next day in the early afternoon to the sound of his doorbell ringing insistently. Groaning as he looked at the clock, he considered whether he should go back to sleep, but the ringing didn’t stop and it seemed to be painfully drilling a hole right into his skull. He got up despite his aching body and answered the door, confused to see his next-door neighbor standing there in the rain with an umbrella.

    “Goodness, what’s gotten into you?” she demanded. “You look a right mess!”

    “Emma? What are you doing here?”

    “I haven’t seen you out in your garden for days, so I thought I’d pop over and check in on you,” she said, pushing past him into the house as she closed her umbrella and shook it out on the stoop. “By the smell of it, seems you’re in need of an intervention. When was the last time you ate something?”

    As he shut the door, he tried to think back, but it only hurt his head.

    “A while ago, then,” she said with a sigh. “Is this about that girl you’ve been going on about?”

    The emotions flooded back to him with such a force that it was impossible to keep them from showing on his face, though he managed to not cry. “She’s leaving. This weekend, probably. She said she was worried she might not see me again, but there’s nothing I can do.”

    Emma placed her hands on his shoulders, the lines on her face so clear as she looked at him with furrowed brows. He had known her so long, he sometimes forgot how old she was--how old they _both_ were. “William Lamb, take a look at yourself. You are falling apart at the seams. Now, I don’t know if you noticed, but you haven’t been that way this whole year. In fact, it’s been a long, long time since I saw you as happy as when you’re talking about Victoria. And from what you’ve told me, you haven’t exactly given her a chance.”

    “I can’t!” he insisted with all the force his sound-sensitive brain could take, his whole body stiff, fingers splayed at his sides. “I can’t be in love with her!”

    Emma only frowned. “Why not?”

    “Because I’m afraid!” he shouted, then went wide-eyed at the realization of what he’d just said. He turned away, shutting his eyes tightly against the tears that welled up in them. His wife, his son, he had loved them and lost them. He didn’t know if he could go through that again, so he had refused to even risk it. How had it taken him so long to understand his own emotions?

    “Well, you only needed to get sloshed to sort that out,” she said sarcastically. She sighed, going to his kitchen to find something for him to eat. Locating a fruit basket he’d been given as a gift for graduation, she picked out a banana and an apple and took them to him. “Do you know when she’s meant to leave?”

    He shook his head as he peeled the banana and started to eat. “She only said it would be after graduation.”

    “Then perhaps you’ve still got time!”

    “Time for what? I know you like to play match-maker, Emma, but this--”

    She put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “William, if you do not go over there to tell her how you feel about her, I will never speak to you again.”

    “What if she’s already gone?”

    “If you don’t at least try, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

    Emma was right. All of the reasons he’d used to justify keeping his distance from Victoria were, in the end, flimsy excuses to keep either of them from getting hurt. They no longer had a student-teacher relationship, and the age difference and the talk of other people were only social obstacles, ones that Victoria had made it perfectly clear that she was willing to overcome. Maybe those things would have been insurmountable in times past, but the world wasn’t like that anymore. He had already hurt her by rejecting her. If she left now, his attempt to spare both their feelings would be pointless, because he would only end up wallowing in his grief. He deserved another chance at happiness, as terrifying as that might be. _She_ deserved another chance at happiness. If he could make her happy, even if it was only for a little while, wouldn’t that be worth any pain it caused him?

    Handing Emma the peel of the now-eaten banana, he grabbed his jacket from the coat rack and pulled it on before opening the door.

    “Wait a minute, don’t you want to take a shower or something?” she asked.

    “No time!” he replied, then paused and turned to hug her tightly. “Thank you, Emma. I’m lucky to have a friend like you.”

    She smiled as she watched him get into his car and disappear into the rain.

 

    Eating the fruit made him feel marginally better as he drove to Victoria’s flat, trying to keep from thinking about what he would do if she was already gone. The aching in his head and muscles had been shoved to the back of his mind as he focused single-mindedly on his goal. He didn’t even stop to get the umbrella out of the boot of his car before he ran to the front entrance, the pounding of his heart seeming as loud as he was pounding on the door. The minutes seemed to pass like hours, his stomach lurching at the thought that he was too late. ‘ _Please, god, don’t let me be too late!_ ’

    When the door finally opened and he saw her standing there, it was all he could do to choke back a sob. “Victoria, you were right!”

    Her blue eyes widened in shock as she took in the sight of him soaked to the bone in his rumpled clothing with his dark curls flattened straight by the rain. “Will, what are you--Oh god, you’re soaking wet! Come inside.”

    He wouldn’t budge until he’d said it. The words poured out of his mouth. “You said I was a coward, and you were right. When you told me how you felt, I was afraid of so many things. I realize now, I was a fool to turn you away. It’s taken me so long. I don’t deserve you, but I can’t, I can’t let you go without telling you… I love you.”

    She stared up at him, stunned into silence. It was another of those rare moments when he couldn’t decipher what she was thinking from the look on her face. The thought crossed his mind that perhaps he was too late in the emotional sense because she had already moved on with someone else, but life couldn’t possibly be that cruel, could it?

    “Please, say something,” he pleaded, blinking the water out of his eyes.

    “Say it again,” she said, her voice nearly a whisper.

    “I… I love you.”

    All at once, she burst into tears, her expression a perfect mixture of pain and happiness. She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. He finally gave himself over to the feelings he had tried to repress for so long, closing his eyes as his hands settled on her hips, pulling her flush against his body. Salty tears mixed with raindrops and the slight taste of mint on her lips. But before he could go any further, she pulled back, looking uncertainly up at him as he tried to catch his breath.

    “I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.

    “What? Why?”

    Her grip around his neck tightened. “Everything has already been arranged. I’m leaving today. I can’t stay.”

    “Well, call and cancel it then! I’ll pay for it--your ticket, whatever, I’ll pay for anything!”

    She dropped her gaze to his chest, the look of anguish on her face striking daggers into his heart. “You know it’s not the money that’s the problem.” Her voice thickened as she failed to keep from breaking down. “Why didn’t you listen to me? Why were you afraid? Don’t you know I would never hurt you?”

    He pulled her against him, wrapping his arms around her tightly as if he would never let go. “No one ever _means_ to hurt the ones they love, Victoria. It happens anyway. That’s just how life is. I tried to turn off my heart so it could never happen again, but that’s not how life works. It took me too long to realize that losing you will hurt no matter what.”

    “C-Couldn’t you come with me?” she hiccuped, hands clutching at his jacket.

    “I wish I could.” He buried his face in her wet hair, kissing the top of her head. “It’s too short-notice, and I only have myself to blame for that. I would if it were possible, believe me.”

    They stood clinging to each other in the rain, neither of them daring to let go despite being soaked and chilly in the Spring weather, until the sound of a cabbie driving up came from behind them. Victoria leaned up and crushed her lips to William’s, and he felt the strength of all her love and longing and heartache. He returned the kiss with all the feeling he could muster, hoping that he might somehow shatter whatever walls of fate were keeping them apart. She whimpered against his mouth, using all her weight to pull him down ever closer to her. When the cab beeped, however, they had to break apart, both of them breathless and flushed.

    “I love you,” she whispered as he pressed his forehead to hers.

    “I love you, too.”

    She pulled away from him slowly, going to retrieve her luggage from inside and lock the door behind her before she went to the cab, walking backwards so she could watch him all the way there. “I’ll write to you!”

    He nodded and gave a sad smile, waving his hand. How long would she be out of the country? Would he ever see her again? He couldn’t bring himself to ask for fear of what her answer would be, if she even knew.

    “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself?” she asked as she opened the cab door.

    He hesitated, thinking of how devastated he’d been only the day before, drinking himself into a stupor and falling asleep in his clothes. How could he promise her that if he wasn’t sure he would keep it?

    “Promise me!” she shouted, her chin trembling as she waited for his response.

    For her. He could do it for her. “I promise!”

    She seemed satisfied with his answer, finally getting into the vehicle. He watched her face through the window until she was too far away for him to see. And just like that, as if the rain had closed the curtain on them, she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing to go with it, but "Darkness Into Day" by Canvas Waiting is a good song for the interim between this and the next chapter. I'll be counting down to the New Year to post the very last chapter!!


	10. A Reason To Continue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood music: "The Words" by Christina Perri

    The memory of their last moments together stayed with Victoria all summer, a constant bittersweet ache in the back of her mind. She had tasted the alcohol and the desperation in William’s kiss and finally understood why he had held back all that time. If he ever let his emotions take over, it was far too easy for him to fall to pieces. Back when he had explained to her about his son’s death, he had said he was glad she hadn’t seen him during the aftermath. How difficult had it been for him to pick up the pieces that time? How much more difficult would it be for him to do the same now? A thing can only be broken so many times before one decides to throw it away. So she had made him promise to take care of himself, since she couldn’t be there when he needed her. If he needed a reason to continue, perhaps his promise to her would be enough of one.

    Occasionally during her travels, she was able to steal away from the watchful gaze of her mother and her mother’s boyfriend, John, for long enough that she could check her email in privacy. In the beginning, she worried whether he would answer. After a while, however, as it became clear that he was doing okay, her worries faded away. She wrote to him about every place she visited--France, Spain, Italy, the various cities in each where they stayed. She sampled local cuisine, browsed local shops, viewed local scenery, brushed up on the language in each area. When she was inspired by something she saw, she would often sketch it out or even set up her tools and paint it. Her very best paintings of flowers were mailed to William, just a few over the course of the summer.

    Near the beginning of Autumn, they went to Germany to visit with some of her mother’s family. As the weeks went on, however, Victoria realized John and her mother were stalling for time as they tried to convince her to give up on her political-minded dreams and settle for something less contentious. It became clear that they had no intention of returning to England until she had agreed to a quieter career choice, and possibly a more immediately lucrative one. Well, the joke was on them, because she had absolutely no intention of being swayed from fighting for the causes about which she was most passionate. In fact, their obvious disapproval only made it that much easier for her to go against their wishes.

    There was something freeing about finally deciding to do what she wanted no matter what her mother thought. Once she had made up her mind to do one thing, it was as if the world opened up at her feet and a hundred opportunities presented themselves. The possibilities were dizzying. First things first, she packed her bags despite her mother’s protests and booked a flight back to England, bidding her relatives farewell. It seemed to be the only way that she could prove she was serious about her ambitions. She would go home, get a flat, get a job, and get involved in the things she loved. As far as she was concerned, it was the first day of the rest of her life. But there was one thing she wanted to do above all else…

 

    Red and orange leaves crunched underfoot as Victoria walked across the campus of her former university. To her, it seemed like everything had changed, even if none of the changes were visible. It felt strange to be visiting without being enrolled in any classes. She had no schedule to follow, no obligations, no appointments. The freedom thrummed in her veins, urging her forward, making her heart beat faster as she neared her intended goal. Little Dash, normally so well-behaved when she took him for a walk, seemed to sense her excitement and proceeded to attempt to live up to his name, pulling his leash taut. She giggled and increased her pace a little to keep up with him.

    Pink-cheeked and slightly out of breath, she arrived at the office door of one Professor Lamb. She hadn’t sent any word ahead of time, as she had wanted to surprise him. Now she wondered if that had been such a good idea. He could be talking to a student or a colleague, or maybe he wasn’t even in his office at all. She had no syllabus to consult this time. She could only hope his hours stayed consistent.

    She was pleased to find that he responded from within when she knocked on the door.

    “Come in,” he called nonchalantly.

    She whispered for Dash to be quiet before entering the room. “Professor?”

    At once, William looked up from his desk, the sound of her voice no doubt all too familiar to him. His green eyes widened and his mouth opened in a perfect O as he stood up so fast that his chair barked against the hard floor and nearly fell backwards. “Victoria?!”

    The reaction was more than she expected, yet everything she had hoped for. She laughed, unsure what to say now, surprised at how quickly her eyes filled with tears. She wanted to run and jump over his desk and into his arms, but she doubted she could actually accomplish such a feat without breaking something. Instead, William went around it and crossed the space between them with a few long strides, nearly crashing into her with the force of his embrace. She clung to him tightly as she buried her face against his chest, dampening his shirt with the happiest tears she had ever cried. She breathed in his scent, refreshing like a forest after a cleansing rain, and thought that she had never felt more safe and at home than when she was right beside him. Dash yipped happily, jumping around about their legs.

    “W-What are you doing here? I thought…”

    “I had to come back,” she said, sniffling. “I thought maybe there was something out there that I was missing, but I only ever missed you.”

    He hugged her even tighter. “Will you stay?”

    She looked up at him, seeing in his eyes the question that he really meant, the two words that made such a difference: _with me_. Her smile squeezed out more tears. “Yes.”

    Droplets trickled down his own face as he leaned down to kiss the ones on her cheeks, whispering words of love against her skin over and over that she murmured back breathlessly. Dash circled them excitedly, wrapping them up in his leash and drawing them even closer to one another. They laughed, breaths mingling as she chased the lips that kissed her face everywhere except for her mouth.

    “Kiss me, dammit,” she managed to giggle out.

    He nuzzled his nose against hers. “Yes, ma’am.”

    She felt his fingers under her chin, lifting her head a little further as he slowly closed the distance between them. All she could see were his eyes, clear olivine green sparkling beneath dark lashes. And then she closed hers so that she wouldn’t be distracted by them at the moment she rose onto her tip-toes and their lips touched, warmth spreading from that point of contact all through her body, a surge of relief and joy and love threatening to burst from her chest as her mind shouted, ‘ _Finally! Finally!_ ’ The sound of Dash barking happily floated to her ears as if from a distance, her senses flooded by the feelings of William’s soft mouth against hers, his warm hands cupping her face and his thumbs brushing over her skin, his five-o’clock stubble leaving a pleasant burn on her lips, his dark curls sifting slowly through her fingers.

    He pulled away only far enough to whisper against her, “I’m so glad you came back.”

    “Autumn always comes back around, remember? And this time, you don’t have to let go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, that's the end! :'D I hope you all enjoyed it! Thank you for your comments, feedback, and general excitement about my little fanfic; they have absolutely meant the world to me. Your words and encouragement have truly kept me going with this. <3
> 
> If you're hankering for more, just know that I do have plans to continue writing in this universe, I'm just not sure how long it will take me to get something together so I don't want to make any promises. :3


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